Outgoing Point Fortin MP Larry Achong is on the brink of another Tourette’s outburst. Our buxom reporter Ms. Raphaela Cleavage sat down for a ‘bosom-to-bosom’ discussion with Mr. Achong.
RC: Mr. Achong, let’s get the important stuff out of the way first.
LA: Okay, sounds good.
RC: What do you think of my breasts?
LA: [pauses with a confused look] Er… They’re nice.
RC: Okay, let us talk about the disturbing scene outside Balisier House on Tuesday. Your supporters rallied support, as supporters are known to do, around yourself, Eddie Hart and Fitzgerald Hinds. Considering that the PNM has a widely perceived adherence to discipline, at least on party business, what do you think is the reason for this?
LA: The people support both me and Eddie Hart. I don’t think anyone was there to support Fitzgerald Hinds. [giggles a bit but regains composure quickly] Why we have reached this point? I can’t say. Speak to the big man about that one.
RC: I assume you mean the Prime Minister when you say ‘big man’.
LA: That’s right.
RC: You are a ‘big boy’ in the party, why can’t you answer?
LA: I was never a big boy. I have a big face but sadly that is not enough to be part of the big boys club.
RC: Okay, the face part is true but I’m still in disagreement about the big boy part.
LA: [in a whisper] fuck you.
RC: Okay, let’s talk about why you are not running for the Point Fortin seat.
LA: It’s not that I’m not running for it. It’s just that someone else happens to be running for the PNM. There’s a slight difference but important none the less.
RC: I’m not sure what you mean by that. But I’ll accept that.
LA: [mumbles] It’s a fact.
RC: All right, why is someone else running for the Point Fortin seat?
LA: I’m clueless. I don’t have any facts. But I’ll make an uninformed judgment on this. I’m a maverick if you will in the party. I don’t toe the party line like they want us to. I resigned once before, my wife sued the Prime Minister. That’s maverick stuff right there. I never support the PNM or PM blindly. No, my support is based on my own feelings. Except for the smelter thing. I was hoping I could make some money on that one. But, it’s my maverickness that they don’t like.
RC: Do you think Mr. Manning is a vindictive person?
LA: Well, that’s what I’m saying aren’t I? Mr. Manning lacks a certain quality I call maverickness. He does not like people who display this thing. He’s jealous of my maverickness. Hence, he’s vindictive. QED.
RC: No argument on that one.
LA: But, let me add, I don’t like to speak ill of others. Let no one say that foul words ever departed these dulcet lips.
RC: Could not the public say that your position be one of sour grapes?
LA: [Rocking back and smacking his forehead with his palms] I have dulcet lips. Where does anything about sourness come in here? Ms. Cleavage, please. Next question.
RC: How long have you been a political colleague of Mr. Manning.
LA: At least 21 years.
RC: Do you have a personal relationship?
LA: No. It’s strictly a boss-employee type of thing. I’m straight.
RC: No I meant do you consider him a friend?
LA: Right. No I don’t consider him a friend. I’ve never called him Patrick. Always, sir or Mr. Manning. I’m very polite as you may know. I used to call him big boss, but he gave me a cut eye look once so I stopped doing that when he’s within earshot. My maverickness prevents me from stopping completely though.
RC: Did he tell you why you weren’t, I mean, why someone else was running for the Point Fortin seat?
LA: He said it was the Chatham incident.
RC: You mean the cussing incident.
LA: No. I mean the Chatham incident where I was wrongly accused of uttering non-dulcet words. Anyway, that was a misunderstanding. I was saying ‘Luck to you’ to a young lady who was sitting a little distance from me. She was trying to make a statement but was having a difficult time getting to the microphone. I am a sweet man.
RC: Is that really true?
LA: Yes, I am sweet. Ask Marlene… But, it was a long time ago. I can’t remember all the details but most of it is true or near enough to be considered some kind of truth. Anyway, who does not cuss? That’s a two hundred dollar fine. I get off anyway, but why they appeal the same day? That is the true injustice here. People focus on the wrong issues. That is why the PNM could get away with all the things they are doing. They not stupid. Is the public that does forget. It’s the public that stupid.
RC: I see you have no intention of running for public office again.
LA: You not listening? The public does forget. You think anybody reading this would remember I call them chupidee tomorrow?
RC: Point taken.
[Mr. Achong shifts nervously in his chair while he crushes a cigarette in his right hand.]
RC: What’s your prediction on the November 5 election?
LA: I predict I won’t be the Point Fortin MP after November 5th. I also predict that Mr. Manning will not be the big man anymore.
RC: Any closing comments?
LA: Yeah, there’s something I once heard a great American politician say. It’s guided me in my moments of weakness and I’d like to pass it on to Mr. Manning. “Go fuck yourself”.
At this point Mr. Achong seemed to become even more agitated. I learned later that he suffers with Tourette like outbursts. Not a shocker but I’m glad I ended the interview when I did.